For most people, arguing is physically taxing.
When you get angry at someone you care about, adrenaline rushes through your body. Your muscles tense and your heart beats faster. This makes your breathing shallow and makes it difficult to think clearly.
Anger is a natural and healthy emotion, but it can be stressful if experienced frequently. Close relationships have the unique ability to contribute to life-altering stress levels.
And if you look like this Stress is the root cause of 75-90% of diseasesI want to be careful about the quality of my interpersonal relationships.
Arguing with someone can make your day seem unnaturally long. Arguing with your significant other can feel like banging your head against a wall.
Conflict is inevitable, but frequent arguments are indicative of deeper relationship issues.
When is an argument a red flag?
Argument, in our colloquial sense, means that all other means of communication have been exhausted. Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. And you may argue from time to time due to temporary frustration.
Avoiding conflict for fear of conflict can be just as harmful as frequent arguments.
If clear expectations are set and there is strong communication and maturity, there won’t be much to argue about. This includes money, intimacy, and other unmet needs, as there is always another approach to problem solving.
Once the discussion stage is reached, the conversation or negotiation breaks down.
This means we don’t take the time to listen to each other and find ways to solve problems. If this extends to days or weeks, the warning signs that your relationship is in trouble will be on full alert.
If you are stuck in a loop of constant fighting with your significant other, I can help.
5 tips to stop unnecessary arguments and get back on the same page
1. Stop trying to be right.
All in all, the best way to stop an argument is to set yourself up so you don’t have to argue in the first place. The first step in that direction is to stop trying to be right. When you fight to win, you miss opportunities to tackle real problems and grow from the solutions you achieve. So all you have to do is continue this cycle.
Have you ever noticed your toddler trying to convince you of something they’re sure of? No one climbs over walls like a 3-year-old. Not having to be right doesn’t mean making yourself a doormat. It just requires you to act more maturely.
One of the questions I started asking myself in relationships was, “Is it more important to be right or is it more important to be happy?”
In the past, I have hurt friendships because of my desire to “win.” This simple shift in thinking changed the way I looked at the argument.
Your perspective changes from a focus on yourself to a focus on relationships as a whole.
2. Define what’s wrong.
If you argue frequently, you’re more likely to behave in less-than-ideal ways. It puts you in a reactive state, and when you’re stuck reacting, you’re not thinking. And when you’re not thinking, you can resort to dirty tactics out of pure anger and exhaustion.
We usually learn these basic ways of dealing with conflict by growing up and witnessing how our parents handled conflict.
If you exhibit any of the following behaviors, your relationship may be toxic and leaning toward emotional abuse.
- speak ill of
- shutdown or jamming
- constantly moving away
- psychological manipulation
- break things
- threaten to break up
Knowing what is acceptable in a relationship comes directly from knowing yourself and evaluating your worth. When you have principles to live by, the boundaries you set in your relationships are determined by the ultimate direction of your life.
3. Understand that most arguments are misunderstandings.
Most arguments stem from differences in your personalities and basic cognitive processes. When you realize that most arguments and arguments are just friction caused by personality differences, you stop fighting and start managing those differences.
One way to think about it is to ask yourself: “How will you feel about this discussion in a year?”
Research shows that shifting your focus from the present or short term to the future can effectively block ineffective arguments. If the discussion doesn’t become relevant within a year, there’s a good chance we haven’t gotten to the heart of what’s really wrong at that point.
Asking the questions above will help you become more self-aware. It forces you to ask what is truly important to you, the happiness of your life, and the happiness of your relationships. Also, stop thinking that your loved one is at their worst or that they are out to get you in some way.
4. Learn what communication actually means.
Learning how to become a better communicator was one of the ways I discovered how to stop arguing with people.
However, the term “good communication” is thrown around so often that its meaning has become ambiguous. If you ask someone out of town what it takes to make a relationship work, more than likely the answer will be “good communication.” If everyone knows this, why does frequent quarrels become one of the biggest reasons for divorce?
The reason is that people understand that communication is necessary and mature, but they don’t know how to communicate.
Effective communication allows you to understand the core of what your loved one is expressing and to ask what you need.
It’s not just talking about a topic or trying to force someone to understand your point of view.
Signs that you need to work on your communication include:
- you don’t make eye contact
- you constantly interrupt the other person
- Your body language is sending a different message than what you’re verbalizing
- you are very emotional
- make assumptions about the other person’s motives
Like most things, how we communicate is a learned characteristic. If you shut down or explode when you feel any signs of discomfort, a relationship expert or couples therapy can help you unlearn that behavior.
Good communication involves actively listening, validating your loved one’s thoughts and feelings, and accepting your own feelings rather than blaming them.
5. Learn how to defuse the situation.
When a relationship matures, you can predict whether something will cause a quarrel and change the direction of your actions and emotions. If you want to stop an argument, you have to recognize when a situation is getting tense and learn how to defuse the situation before it becomes tense.
Here are some tactics to defuse arguments and stop fights.
1. If your normal reaction to an argument is to throw a tantrum or become too emotional to talk rationally, it can be helpful to wait and come back to the topic later.
2. Research shows that the older couples become, the more likely they are to use humor as a means of resolving conflicts. When used effectively, humor can help you understand the other person’s point of view in an unobtrusive way, and it can also aid in effective problem solving. Of course, not every situation calls for humor, but if you can, use it.
3. Asking your partner if you can start over can help defuse the heat of a budding argument. This works because if you start getting angry and your breath becomes short and your heart starts racing, you may end up saying things you didn’t mean. Starting over requires you to take a breath, weigh your words, and communicate more effectively.
4. No matter what you do, your partner will be in a bad mood and you might end up fighting. If you say, “I’m not going to argue with you,” you close off the possibility of going there. You can follow up by asking if there’s anything you need to say to get to the heart of the real issue.
Learning how to communicate better and build better relationships takes time and requires overcoming your ego.
You may find yourself needing to return to these principles in a long-term relationship, and that’s okay.
ed lattimore is a former American professional boxer, influencer, and best-selling author. His work focuses on self-improvement and a practical approach to Stoic philosophy.