Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for 21 years. Our sex life is very active, but apart from that, he has never been affectionate with me in public.
Whenever we go out, whether it be to the stores, a child’s concert, a school open house, or a sports meet, he won’t walk with me, in fact, he always walks way ahead of me and never holds my hand.
We are both busy with our kids’ sports practices and away tournaments, so neither of us have much of a social life, so it would be kind of hard to have an affair. That being said, my husband loves to talk to people while he’s out at tournaments, and because his ability in this particular sport was pretty well known, the ladies would rally around him.
He’s also a great coach for young kids. He does a really great job and the kids love him. So when we were at a tournament and he got a text message, I opened it thinking it was about a game. But it was a photo (not sexual in nature, but somewhat romantic in nature) from a woman he used to work with.
I was pissed so I scrolled through all their emails and found messages from her saying she loved me. He didn’t reply but of course he could have accidentally deleted the messages and left hers or he could have called her. I was really pissed and yelled at him and he fired back at me. He said I must have done something too because I work in a male dominated environment. I love my family so there is no truth to this accusation. He is now behaving horribly towards me and I am at a loss as to what to believe or not.
Please don’t suggest marriage counseling, it’s not a good fit for us. What do you honestly think? — Lost in NY
Dear Lost in New York: To be honest, I think your marriage has a bigger hole in it than you want to admit. I’m sure he’s a great guy, as you say, and I know marriage counseling would help you both honestly air your feelings. But if that’s not possible for you both, I encourage you to find your own therapist to explore the hurt feelings. Have you ever told your husband that you wish you could hold his hand in public, have him put his arm around you, or lean on his arm as you walk? Not all the time, but sometimes. I’m concerned about his suggestion that you “must have done something” as well, since the workplace is a male-dominated environment. Does “something” mean cheating or having an affair? It makes a big difference. Talking it out will help you both sort out what’s going on.
Questions for Annie Lane? dearanee@creators.com.