Rappler’s Life & Style section features advice columns by husband and wife duo Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.
Jeremy has a Masters in Law from Oxford University, worked as a banker for 37 years on three continents and for the last 10 years has worked as a co-teacher and sometimes co-therapist with clients who face financial challenges in their everyday lives..
They have written two books together. Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho Mistress Mentality and Imported love: Filipino-foreigner relationships.
To Dr. Holmes and Mr. Bear:
Last year, I reunited with my first love and first boyfriend, whom I met in my second year of high school. I’m now 42, married, and have four children.
Ours is becoming a very complicated relationship. We still love each other. He is married and his wife works as a manager in Singapore.
What should I do? I still love my husband, so why am I falling for my ex again? Please let me know. Thank you.
Rita
Dear Rita,
thank you for the message.
Just as not all of us are lucky enough to meet our soul mate, it’s common to fall in love with multiple people in our lives.
Of course, problems can arise when one or both parties are already married. Faced with this dilemma, we must always reconcile the competing interests of our spouses, our children, and ourselves, within the context of cultural, social, and religious influences.
Why did you fall in love again? No one can answer this question better than you, Rita, but here are some starting points.
Why did you and your ex-boyfriend (let’s call him Jose) break up in the first place? Comparing your husband and Jose, what are their charms and flaws? Has your marriage become just routine, and is your “very complicated relationship” adding a little spice and taboo thrill to your life? How would you react if your husband or Jose’s wife found out about your affair? What would your children do?
You ask what to do, but it seems you have already decided what to do: reunited with JosƩ, you embark on an affair without much hesitation, despite the inevitable complications.
Ultimately, you can control the outcome ā leave your husband or Jose ā or resign yourself to your fate if your affair comes to light.
I wish you good luck.
JAF Bear
Dear Rita:
Thank you for your letter and also to Bear for answering Rita’s questions.
The first question was “What should I do?” to which you responded clearly that the question was moot because Rita had already done something, i.e. started a relationship with her ex. I agree that after deciding on a course of action, Rita can still decide to continue or quit, and this column may help her further clarify her needs and what she wants.
I think Bear also answers your second question, “Why did I fall in love with my ex again?” so I wonder if we can explore possible reasons why you might be asking that question.
Asking a question in terms of love causes us to answer with a focus only on love, reinforcing your belief that love was the only reason you did what you did. In other words, “If I still love my husband, why was I so open to a relationship with my ex?”
It’s entirely possible that you would have gotten a different answer depending on how you phrased the question. The way you originally asked it makes it more likely that the answer would be focused only on you and him and would not necessarily be one that would discourage him from continuing the affair. If you had asked a different question, you might have gotten a more realistic answer that reflected the reality of your life: a married woman with four kids.
The way you ask your question is what we call a complex question, or in Latin, a plurium interrogationum (“many questions”). Why? Because your question contains complex assumptions that the respondent (in this case, Mr. Baer and I) is assumed to be able to accept.
For example, if one directly answers the first question, “Do you still beat your wife?”, then the person who answers actually beats his wife, regardless of whether he answers “yes” or “no” to the first question.
Your question “why did I fall in love with my ex again” assumes that you were in love and doesn’t consider other possibilities like “I was lusting after him” or “I was seduced” etc. Getting involved in a complicated relationship could also be a fun and relatively romantic way to get revenge on a cheating husband (assuming he was the cheater to begin with).
Asking “Why did I do this?” instead of “Why did I do this?” is a complicated question because it immediately assumes that you didn’t start the relationship for love or for other reasons (like the ones mentioned above) and that you were in fact in love with your ex.
We Filipinos like to describe ourselves as a romantic nation. What could be more romantic than falling in love with an ex? What could be more reprehensible than starting a relationship for a love that was purer, more innocent, and probably unconsummated because you were a sophomore in high school? Of course, it’s not an affair, it’s complicated, but it’s a relationship with someone you thought you once loved and, to your surprise, actually still love.
Your question conjures up advice columnist poetic tropes like, “First love never fades,” or, “He’s your soulmate,” or, “His very being resonates with yours,” or some other reason that’s equally romantic but extremely difficult to prove.
Oh, Rita, if you only knew how many men and women have been seduced by the rationalizations above. What’s even more painful is that sometimes these reasons are true.
What should you do? I honestly don’t know. I hope that you feel as strongly about him as he does about you, and that you let your emotions soar sky-high, but still ground yourself with reason, generosity and kindness (not only towards yourself, but also towards your husband, children and his wife overseas).
all the best,
M.G. Homes
ā Rappler.com
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